found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
