I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just gargled with NyQuil
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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