watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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