I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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