I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
