You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
