The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
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I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
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Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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