Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
