I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
