Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
