In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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