peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
