so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
