i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
