if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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