Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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