I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
