btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Damn victory sex feels great
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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