Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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