Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
