he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
