Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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