The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
