I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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