maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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