I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
