if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
