Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
