I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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