I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
