i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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