I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
