I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
