so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
