if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
