WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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