Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
