I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
