The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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