I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
