I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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