gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
