I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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