ya dads aren't the best wingmen
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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