If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
