if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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