just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
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Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
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High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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