if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
