Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think im going to throw up on grandma
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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