Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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