last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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