awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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