Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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