I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
