in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
