dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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