if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
