everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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