Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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