It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
