Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
