I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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