Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
