guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
