just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
